


The Scientist

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Cutting, Death, Depression, M/M, Sad, Tragedy, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-03-30
Packaged: 2017-12-06 22:22:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which, Harry falls into depression and self harm after his best friend, Louis, leaves him because of some things said about them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i orphaned this work because i didnt really want it in my works anymore but if you want to read anything else i've written, this is [my account](http://archiveofourown.org/users/softspoken)
> 
> WARNING: MAY BE TRIGGERING. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW CUTS, PLEASE SEEK HELP
> 
> Based on 'The Scientist' by Colplay

**~~~**

They've drifted.

Harry could tell.

Louis and him hung out less and the only times they'd see each other were when they had and interview or when they were recording or a concert.

Harry thought nothing of it at first. They'd be fine. They always were.

Louis' birthday came along and of course there was a massive party. Harry brought Nick along, who was quite eager to spend time with one of his best friends.

When they showed up, Harry handed Lou his present, which he had spent so so long on deciding it and he knew Lou would absolutely love. Louis just muttered a thanks and went off to greet the other guests.

It wouldn't have hurt  if Louis had spared a glance in Harry's direction but no. He simply took the present, set it down on a table, and walked away.

Simple as that.

Harry wasn't one to cry. Instead, he downed a lost number of shots until the pain numbed.

He ended up not being able to walk straight and Nick had to drive him home before they had even brought out the cake. 

Days passed and still Louis and Harry hadn't spoken in the slightest. Even in interviews, Louis had progressively inched away from Harry until he was as far as possible.

Harry didn't understand.

They were best friends. They were supposed to have laughs at stupid things. Watch movies and make fun of the cheesy lines. Talk about, well, anything.

Like best friends do.

Because they were best friends.

Weren't they?

Harry began to doubt it. Just in the slightest, the tiniest part of his brain thought Louis didnt want him there anymore. He didn't want to think about it because it just quite frankly  _hurt._

Harry's doubts were confirmed when Harry's birthday had rolled around.

He had requested not having a party. He just wasn't in the mood. The boys had tweeted, texted, called, and come by his flat to give him presents and enjoy a few slices of cake. But not Louis. He hadn't called or texted. Not even a tweet. He had been in Paris with Eleanor. But call Harry selfish, he had at least expected a text. 

It hadn't escaped the fans attention that Louis was yet to congratulate him. Especially not the Larry shippers.

It hadn't escaped the other boys attention either. So when Niall brought it up, Harry didn't realize how obviously distant they'd become.

"So what did Lou get ya mate?" Niall had said it nonchalantly, not realizing what it would trigger inside Harry's brain.

Harry froze. He hadn't expected anyone to bring it up. It ran through his brain a few thousand times before his eyes teared up.

He stood silently and headed to his room, ignoring the boys questions.

He shut the door and locked it. He heard the boys pound on the door. He blocked them out and slid down the door, letting out silent sobs.

He'd spent an hour just sitting there, crying, staring at his phone for the text that wouldn't come.

His brain couldn't bring any positivity to this. He just couldn't fathom why this was happening.

Was he not a good best friend?

Were his true feelings too obvious? Yes, he had a few feelings towards Louis that had been in a more than a friend way, but he always made sure to keep them under wraps.

When he did finally open the door, he found the boys sitting around his door, just waiting. He smiled silently at himself. At least someone cared. 

He didn't tell them anything. He just made up a lame excuse and shrugged off their many questions until eventually, they stopped asking.

They had suspicions on what exactly it was about but they didn't ask, in respect of Harry's privacy.

So the days passed, and still Harry had gotten no calls or texts from Louis. 

Harry found himself gradually growing closer to Nick, whom he spent most of his time with now.

 _Nick_  had remembered his birthday.

 _Nick_  had kept a smile on his face, even when he was feeling low.

 _Nick_  became his best friend.

But even Nick didn't see Harry's depression. No one did.

He couldn't just stop caring that one if his _best_  friends had stopped interacting with him.

He just  _couldn'_ t. Especially when he still had those feelings of wanting to be 'more than friends'.

But that couldn't happen now could it?

They didn't even qualify as friends anymore. 

Harry became distant from, well, everyone.

He stopped tweeting, even when he saw quirky things like a 'dog parking' sign.

He came to recordings, sang his part, then left, hardly uttering a word. 

When the tour came by, he just quite literally stood in one area, and sang. He made sure he stood away from Louis, just to save Lou the effort. After their concerts, Harry would just get on the tour bus, and lie in his bed scrolling through twitter hate, but never tweeting.

During meet and greets, Harry would hardly communicate with the fans, just the occasional 'hello' and 'hey babe'. 

He just stopped doing everything that made him  _him._

Then came the fateful day when they were doing a meet and greet in Sydney.

Harry sat at the end of the table, so he was the last one, and Louis was in the front.

Harry hadn't uttered a word all day, just giving small forced smiles to some lucky fans.

That was, until one of the last girls in line went up to him.

She stood silently and just stared at Harry. He gave her a confused look, to which she responded to with a shake of her head, then she resumed staring.

Harry turned towards the other boys  and they staring at the girl with confused expressions as well.

Finally, she reached over and took his hand in her frail one and said, "Are you okay?" And that broke Harry.

It completely  _shattered_  him to pieces.

He hadn't realized how completely _obvious_  it was.

He wasn't okay. He hadn't been for a while. He reached over and pulled her into a tight hug while she rubbed his back, whispering, "I know. Its okay." He didn't realize when the tears started, but sobs racked through his body.

The boys just watched silently, not knowing what to say.

Harry needed to talk to someone. But they knew he wouldn't. He hadn't talked to anyone in awhile. 

The meet and greet ended and Harry hadn't uttered a word to the boys, security, or management.

He entered his lonesome flat and opened his laptop to Tumblr.

There was a video of the meet and greet. One of the other girls must have taken it, but what got to Harry were the comments.

_This is just sad guys. He should never have to cry. What going on with him?_

_I bet its because of Louis._

_We know this is because of Lou. Harry cant handle this shit. Nice going Louis.._

The fans could see why he was silently hating himself everyday, so why couldn't Louis?

Maybe he did and just didn't care.

No, he cares.

Does he? Does he really?

Harry didn't know anymore.

Harry stayed in for weeks at a time, trying to avoid having to leave the safety of his flat.

The boys, minus Louis, of course, had tried endlessly to get him to talk, go out, to just  _function_ , anything.

But he just silently lay on his couch, staring at the telly's blank screen.

It was actually Nick who finally got Harry out of his flat. It was hard and involved loads of smelly things, but he was out.

Nick, of course, had his radio show to tend to so he asked Harry to come with and do it with him. Harry agreed hesitantly, remembering the fun he used to have on the show.

They played music, and Nick attempted some bickering but he didn't get much out of Harry.

Harry was really trying, he really was.

He didn't want to let Nick's show down, but he was just  _so_  tired and just  _so_  done with everything. 

They took some calls some fans and played some music before Harry decided he wanted to leave. Nick, of course, refused to let him leave but once he saw Harry on the brink of tears, he quickly gave in, not wanting his best friend to cry.

Harry had no idea what to do with himself. He was just plain  _lost_.

His pain came from somewhere, but for some reason he just didn't know how to deal with it.

He hadn't experienced this before.

_Pain._

_Loneliness._

_Self-loathing._

_Anger._

_Tired._

It was just so much all at once and Harry couldn't do it.

He just couldn't deal.

So, he began to cut.

It felt good, for some strange reason. He couldn't explain it. There was a moment of euphoria between the blade and the blood, that he became addicted to.

It became his haven.

Whenever Louis ignored him, another slice.

Whenever someone on Twitter called him talentless or ugly or a womanizer, another slice.

Or just whenever he wanted to escape from the world, another slice to add to his collection.

The boys hadn't noticed.

In fact, they thought he was becoming happier. Himself again.

When in actuality he was slowly killing himself, from inside out.

It'd been so long since Harry actually had a legit conversation with Louis.

He'd forgotten what his humor was like. How his small jokes could make Harry burst out laughing until his chest hurt. His eyes and the way they light up and crinkled when he laughed.

What Harry  _hadn't_  forgotten was the tears and hours spent crying over Louis Tomlinson.

The way Louis had so easily tossed him aside.

The wounds were still fresh.

They were called into an interview and somewhere along the break, Harry had the  _urge_.

He just  _had_  to. He needed to feel the cold blade against his skin and the blood seep through, warm and wet. 

So, he found an empty men's washroom and pulled out the blade that he had gotten into the habit of carrying.

He took his time, savoring every bit of the pain that quickly change into a strange bliss. He sighed contently as he felt the liquid ooze down his wrist.

"HARRY!" He felt the body tackle into him, causing him to drop the blade, before he heard the voice. The voice that was  _so_  familiar but so foreign.

_Louis._

He saw his friend standing over him, chest heaving, hands shaking, wide eyes, and Harry immediately knew he was about to break down.

And he was right, because Louis sank to his knees and began sobbing, clutching ton Harry's shirt.

Harry was stone. He had no idea what to do. What was he  _supposed_  to do?

He stared at the completely wrecked boy who was currently trying to stop the blood with a paper towel and wipe his tears at the same time.

But.....Louis didn't care right? Then why was he helping Harry right now? Harry couldn't even begin to come up with an acceptable explanation.

The blood had finally stopped. Harry frowned at his now crimson red wrist. He must've cut deeper than he thought.

He felt two hands come up and cup his face, and he lifted his head up, eyes hazy.

His green orbs stared into Louis' watery blue one's that only begged one question from him.

_Why?_

Harry wanted to look away but he couldn't bring himself to. Who knew when he'd be able to look at Louis like this again.

"Why?" It was audible this time and Harry frowned again.

What was he supposed to say? There were too many reasons. So he just said the main reason why he did all of this.

"I was lonely," Harry's voice was quiet and husky, like it hadn't been used in years.

Louis' eyes watered more and he shot forward and wrapped his arms around his friend, muttering "I'm sorry," over and over.

They sat like that for a while, but considering it was a washroom floor, they left as soon as possible.

They concluded the interview and drove home.

Neither Louis' nor Harry had spoken throughout the interview or the ride home, both lost in their thoughts.

Harry was feeling it yet  _again. The urge._

Louis was pondering whether or not he should tell the boys. He'd have to admit his mistake but at least Harry would get help.

The boys hadn't said anything either, but they were dying to know what was going on. So taking whatever authority his role had, Liam spoke up.

"Why is there blood on your sleeves Louis?"

Louis turned towards him, his eyes not really  _looking_  but still there. "I accidentally hit my finger when I went to go find Harry." He said it like it was the truth, no doubt in his voice at all.

So Liam bought it. But he still had questions.

"Why don't you two talk to each other anymore?" 

Harry looked up at him and muttered, "Ask Louis."

The tension in the room thickened considerably, because in that moment, Louis let his true anger out.

"Me?! You think I wanted to stop talking to you?!" He yelled it out like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world.

"Yes!" Harry responded simply, but every word just tempted him more.

"You are  _not_  the one who has to see constant gay comments about yourself every time you go on Twitter!" Louis was frustrated. He wanted them to stop. Stop saying he was gay even though he had a girlfriend. He hated it. He thought if he stopped talking to Harry then they would die down but....

Harry stared at him and shook his head, as if he were disappointed. He took out his phone, clicked on the Twitter app, and handed it to Louis, all without a single word.

Louis' eyes visibly widened at what he was reading about his fellow band mate. Out of curiosity, the other boys stretched to look over Louis' shoulder.

There was a long,  _long_  list of insults. Just never ending, each worse than the last.

They all got their fair share of hate but Harry's was just...horrific.

Louis stopped scrolling as his eyes settled at one particular tweet. It was quite ravenous and just  _mean._  It described in great detail all the reasons why Harry shouldn't be in the band and how they should find a way to kill him because it'd be better for the band. And worse the person already had 11,000 followers.

Louis and the boys were just shocked. None of them said anything until Harry finally spoke up. 

"You're right Louis. I don't have to go on twitter and see gay comments about myself. Lucky me," Harry's eyes were so  _so sad_  and Louis instantly felt bad,

One  _petty_  thing he let bother him, led to so much more.

Before he could say anything to try to comfort his friend, and inevitably fail, the car stopped and Harry got out and ran straight to his flat.

The urge grew stronger with every step, every breath, every movement.

He needed to do it.

_Now._

_**Nobody said it was easy.** _

All four of them were right on his tail in no time but they didn't get Harry before he slammed the door of his flat and locked it shut.

They pounded on the door and yelled, begging for him to open the door.

_**It's such a shame for us to part.** _

He shut them out as best he could while reaching into his drawer and pulling out a blade, sharper then the one before.

He laid it across his wrist, shivering at the cool metal.

He pressed it against his skin, savoring the burn of tearing flesh.

_**Nobody said it was easy.** _

They didn't stop pounding on the door.  

They couldn't.  

They all knew what he was going to do.  

Between Louis' sobs, Niall's panicked shouts, Zayn's angry punches, and Liam's shock, they'd figured it out.

_**No one ever said it would be this hard,** _

Harry swiftly pulled the blade across his skin, leaning his head back and thinking of it all.

The hate.

The loneliness,

The anger,

He was  _so, so tired._  

And now he could finally rest.

He shut his eyes and sank into the dark abyss, loving it's cold, yet inviting welcome.

_**Oh, take me back to the start.** _

_-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive got alternate endings~


	2. Chapter 2

~~~~~~~

Harry was happy.  For the first time in a long while, he was happy.

He didn't know where he was, but whatever this place was, he found himself strangely at home.

All he could see was darkness, but it was nice. Peaceful, almost.

He liked it here.

He was done.

With the pain.

The constant hate, from both himself and others.

The way he'd always felt tired. 

He was done. He didn't have to deal with that anymore.

He was at peace.

Or so he thought.

He felt a warm buzzing in his chest and cringed. 

It wasn't a comforting type of warm. It actually hurt him a bit.

He rubbed his hand in circles across his chest, in hopes that the feeling would go away. If anything, it got stronger and hurt more.

The buzzing grew until it became a full on stinging in his chest.

He fell to his knees, groaning at the pain.

_No._

This was what he wanted to get away from.

The pain grew until it became unbearable and he fell to his side, tears rolling down his cheeks, silently whimpering in pain. 

The buzzing raked through his chest and his ears acquired a sharp ringing.

He clutched his sides, trying to get it to stop.

In that moment, a light started to shine.

It was different from the darkness.

So luminous and shining, whilst the darkness was empty and hollow.

It seemed innocent but Harry knew it would swallow him up. He wanted nothing to do with it.

He curled into ball, as if to hide away from the light, that was progressively getting larger.

Soon it shone so brightly that Harry actually  had to shut his eyes because it hurt to look at it.

There was a round of shocks that powered though his chest and he whimpered.

The ringing didn't cease and he felt like his brain was melting.

The light grew and grew until finally it swallowed Harry whole.

-

Harry gasped for breath as his eyes tore open. His eyes watered trying to adjust to the new lighting. 

He took in his surroundings and he saw two men standing over him, one holding two paddles and the other an oxygen mask.

He turned his head, limply to the side and he felt like his heart stopped beating for two seconds when he saw the boys, all crying, mostly Louis, looking at him with a look that Harry cringed at.

_Pity._

He didn't want pity.  

He wanted to go back to the darkness, where he felt okay for once.

This didn't feel right.

He wasn't supposed to be here.

He had to go back.

_He had to._

He felt his body rip out of his control and his chest lurched forward. His limbs twisted against his will and he felt as if his heart were running 50 miles a second.

"He's going into shock!" Someone yelled. Harry couldn't pin the voice as he felt himself twisting in every angle possible.

He felt something stab into his arm and he went limp, still conscious of everything, but unmoving.

He felt himself be loading on to some thing and being wheeled away.

There was more movement, and a piercing siren.

He felt something cover his mouth and he wanted to protest but the minute he caught a whiff of whatever was over his mouth, he felt himself lose control and fall asleep.

-

Harry had been through two surgeries before they had brought him into his room.

So there had been plenty of time for the boys to imagine every terrible scenario that could be going on behind the doors labeled ER.

The image of Harry, pale, blue lips, weak pulse, surrounded by pools of his own blood, ghosted through their minds over and over. They were  _gobsmacked_.

They'd never thought they'd see their friend in this condition, lying in a hospital bed, almost as pale as the stunning white sheets, with white bandages wrapped around his arms.

It made them feel sick that they could have prevented this from happening.

Especially Louis. He blamed himself more than anyone.

But, to be frank, it  _was_  his fault.

Harry was lonely.

Why?

Because Louis decided the best way to stop gay rumors was to stop talking to the boy most of the rumors were revolved around.

His best friend.

Were they still best friends? Were they even friends?

There was no way Louis could find out because now, the boy in question, was lying in the hospital bed, all because of him.

-

Harry didn't like this darkness. It was different than the other one, the better one.

This one felt, temporary.  _Artificial_  almost.

The other one was pure.

He wanted to go back there and not have to face anything or anyone.

But he knew this darkness would only last a while.

Maybe he could create his own darkness?

-

Louis sat in a corner of the rooms, head in his hands, silently punishing himself. He'd confessed to the boys what he'd done, and despite them telling him it wasn't his fault, he could see it in their eyes. They blamed him too.

Liam was on the phone with Paul trying to explain to him, in the easiest way, what happened. Paul treated them as if they were his sons.

Zayn just stood, leaning against the wall, just staring. Not at Harry though. Anywhere but Harry.

Niall was the only one who was full out crying. None of them moved to comfort him because this was the only way he could deal with something like this. He wished he could give Harry his  _happy-go-lucky-I-don't-give-a-shit_  attitude. as stupid as it sounded. But it was a sweet thought.

They hadn't been told how Harry was doing. The nurses had just wheeled him into the room and left,  leaving them in thick suspense.

But finally, the doctor walked into the room, holding a clipboard that Louis doubted had anything of actual importance on it.

"I'm sorry to tell you this but it seems your friend has slipped into a coma..." 

Their sharp intakes of breath and moment of awe caused them all to stay where they were, numb from the shock. 

Liam cleared his throat. "W-what do you mean? He was going to be fine..."

"Well, there's never been a case like this. Usually, a coma is caused by some sort of brain damage but he hasn't got any injuries on his head. We think it's because he is so depressed, he's put himself to sleep, almost a coma-like state, to escape reality. There's really nothing we can do. He has to wake up himself," the doctor said simply and left them to grieve in private.

Liam sighed and rubbed his face, blinking back tears. 

Zayn exited the room and rushed into the hallway, attempting to hide his moment of weakness from the boys, but Louis saw the tears glistening on his cheeks.

Niall cried even harder, his chest racked with choked breaths and whimpers.

Louis stared at his ghostly-skinned friend on the bed, feeling foreign anger rise from his chest.

Why did Harry have to do this?

Why could he just shut up and handle it like a man?

Why had Louis been so stupid?

_Why?_

The question still begged answers but, it seemed he wouldn't be getting them anytime soon.

And Louis was  _not_  a patient man. 

He couldn't handle waiting. He needed things to happen and happen fast, so life could keep going....but this was just pissing him off. 

He stood up and towered over Harry for the first time in a while. Their height difference had always made him seem younger and less mature than Harry, and what he was about to do just proved how much of a child he could actually be.

He just felt so angry at Harry.

He grabbed the limp boy's face in his hands and pulled one hand back, and slapped him across the face. The room echoed with the sound.

Then he repeated the action over, this time, yelling, "Wake up, you idiot!"

Harry had to wake up.

 _Now_.

He continued, not even noticing the tears pouring out of his eyes.

He heard Liam yell and grab him around the waist, pulling him away from Harry.

Harry hadn't even flinched, although his once pale face, now had rosy red colored cheeks.

"He has to wake up, Liam. He has to..." Louis whimpered, his voice cracking at the end. He clutched Liam's shirt and cried. 

-

Harry regretted doing this now.

This darkness made him feel lonelier than when he was alive. 

At least there had been people acting like they cared. 

Here it, was just dark and empty. He was all alone. 

He was beginning to hate it.

If he had something to do it with, he'd be cutting right now. He needed something to bring him some peace. And this place just wasn't doing it for him.

 Harry hated being alone. He'd give anything to  have someone here, with him.

But nobody cared enough.

And why should they? He wasn't good enough. He wasn't anything special.

The hate from Twitter ran through Harry's mind and he frowned.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

This was supposed to be his escape from all the hate.

_@HarryStyles MANWHORE_

_dont touch @HarryStyles you'll catch his disease._

_petition to have @HarryStyles removed from @onedirection. They don't need a diseased whore with them all the time._

_@HarryStyles EW_

_@HarryStyles is a manwhore!! Did you see the thing about 410 women? Bleh. He makes me sick._

_@HarryStyles you're going to get herpes and i'll laugh so hard._

_@HarryStyles you walking STD._

It wasn't fair.

What had he done?

Harry felt tears roll down his cheeks and he looked around, surveying what could likely be the rest of his existence.

-

Louis had been shunned to the hallway when he hadn't been able to calm down.

When he walked outside, he saw Zayn huddled against the wall, just staring at nothing in particular.

Louis just sat down next to him, without a word.

They sat in silence, neither knowing what to say without breaking down.

After a while, Zayn spoke up. "Do you think he'll be okay?"

It was so close to a whisper but Louis heard it. However, he didn't respond. What could he say? He wasn't going to be the one to give out false hope.

He was already expecting the worst.

When Louis' response never came, Zayn spoke again. "I could tell you know? I saw what was happening to him and I didn't say anything. I should've said something, then we wouldn't be here right now." He said it as if it were a fact, as if this were his fault.

"It's not your fault, Zayn. It's mine. If I hadn't been so stupid...." Louis trailed off, not wanting to think about it.

He felt so guilty. And when Zayn didn't respond, Louis knew this was, in fact, his fault.

-

This was the last straw for Harry.

He was supposed to be able to get away from this. But it kept following him around. He hated it.

No matter what he did, the pain would come back.

He was beginning to get pissed off. 

He couldn't take it anymore. What did he have to do to catch a break?!

And not to mention this place. It was so fake and fabricated. 

He wanted out, and he was going to get out.

He walked through the endless darkness. There's got to be an ending right?

-

Louis got Zayn to come back into the room but still Zayn hadn't looked at Harry once.

Just the thought of his best friend like that made him feel sick, much less the actual sight.

But this was it.

This was reality.

He had to accept that.

Harry hadn't stirred since Louis left, not even a bit. He just lay there, motionless.

Days passed and the boys became exhausted. They were only human. They decided to start shifts.

Two in the morning, two at night, just in case anything changed.

But that system could only go on for so long.

Management called them all for a press conference to give fans an explanation and official word on Harry's condition. Management, of course, wasn't going to tell fans Harry tried to kill himself, so they made up a cover story.

So, the boys had no choice but to leave Harry alone for a bit. Louis made sure the doctors' called every hour, updating them on Harry's condition.

-

Harry wasn't tired exactly. He was more, bored. Walking through the dark was a bit dull since everything looked the same.

He wasn't going to give up. He wanted to get out.

He took a deep breath and kept walking.

Soon but not soon enough, he saw that same light.

Just as bright and shining into his jade eyes.

He smiled to himself.

_Finally._

-

Harry opened his eyes and was immediately met by a blinding white. He let out a noise that sounded like a grunt and cough.

He felt so heavy and sore. 

He turned his head weakly and noticed the white bandages wrapped around his wrist. A drip needle in his arm. Everything was so white, it actually sort of hurt to look at one place for too long.

Then it hit him. He was in the hospital.

He sighed, The boys would be pissed.

Come to think of it, where were the boys?

He scanned the room and realized he was alone.

It's just like before.

No one cares.

His effort was wasted.

Why did he even bother?

His self wallowing was cut short when a nurse walked in. She was holding a tray of what seemed to be needles and small bottles with a clear liquid inside. She saw that he was awake and ran out of the room, yelling for the doctor.

The doctor came in and checked Harry's vitals and such, whilst Harry could only wonder where the boys were, and what they were doing.

Everything seemed fine and the doctor left Harry to tend somewhere else. 

Harry thought maybe the boys had to leave for a little bit. They couldn't stay in the hospital forever.

So Harry decided to wait for them.

But hours rolled by and still, the boys hadn't shown up. But Harry was still patiently waiting for them.

But, then, visiting hours ended and Harry gave up. 

He should've known better. He knew nobody cared, So why give himself false hope?

-

They were running late.

Really late.

They were at least three hours behind schedule. But when you're One Direction, three hours is at least two days. 

They had yet to arrive at the conference and they were at least an hour away from the location, stuck in traffic.

Phones rang like mad and there was constant, frantic yelling.

But not from the boys. They all sat silently, wallowing in despair of having to leave their friend behind.

Louis' phone buzzed and he picked it up limply. His eyes widened when he saw the hospital's number glaring at him in large white letters.

He looked up at the boys and they immediately knew who it was.

"H-Hello?" Louis answered timidly.

The bus went dead silent as Louis spoke to the hospital. He ended the call with an 'alright' and hung up.

The boys looked at him, not sure what to expect.

"He's awake," Louis said, breathlessly.

Liam let out a sigh of relief and began to cry tears of joy. Niall cheered and hollered, not being able to contain his happiness. And Zayn finally showed some emotion and began to cry, hiding his face in his hands.

"We have to go see him!" Niall said excitedly, bouncing in his seat.

"Niall, we have the interview. The fans need to know he's okay," Liam said. Of course he wanted to see Harry, but he had to be reasonable. Someone had to be.

Niall frowned,"But at least one of us should be there for him."

They turned and looked towards Louis. 

"You should do it," Liam said, "He'll want you there the most."

 "....I don't deserve to go. It's my fault he's even in the hospital." Louis said, dejectedly staring at the ground.

"No, it's not, Lou. Sure, you could've handled it better but what happened wasn't your fault."  Liam said.  

Louis looked up at him and felt a bit better seeing Liam's sincere eyes.

"Now go, Louis.,"

Louis nodded, determined.

He wasted no time in getting out of the bus, ignoring the yells from the bodyguards and ran onto the street. He rushed through traffic, dodging cars and ignoring the honks as he dashed towards the hospital.

-

Harry was tired.

Not in the way he'd been before, this was a real tired. Sleepy.

But he didn't want to fall asleep. What if Louis came?

But he couldn't help it. He was so tired and his eyes were heavy. He felt incredibly weak and stiff. 

How long had he been lying in this bed? This  _soft, comfy_  bed.....

-

_**I was just guessing at numbers and figures** _

Louis rushed into the room, breathless and glistening with sweat, an excited smile on his face. But it disappeared as quickly as it came when he saw Harry, asleep like he'd been for so long.

Did the doctors give a false alarm? They got his hopes up for nothing. He sighed and flopped down onto the chair next to Harry's bed and stared helplessly at his friend.

Why couldn't he just wake up? Why? 

Would he ever wake up? 

He had to.

For Louis.

_He had to._

Right?

_**Pulling the puzzles apart** _

-

_**Questions of science, science and progress** _

Harry groaned and rubbed his face, tiredly. Falling asleep again was not a good idea as he felt even more sore than before.

"Harry?"

 Harry froze. He turned his head in the direction the voice came from. Louis.

"I-I..." Harry was cut off by his chest racking with violent coughs. His throat went dry and he craved moisture. He sat up, trying to stop the dry heaves, but to no avail.

"Shit, Harry! Have some water," Louis handed him the glass that Harry gratefully gulped down.

"W-what are you doing here?" Harry asked, once he'd finished.

Louis didn't respond. He just stared at Harry, with wide eyes as if he were going to disappear.

He lurched forward and gather the younger boy in a tight hug, taking him by surprise.

"Don't you  _ever_  do that again you idiot," Louis said, as he buried his face into Harry's curls, emphasizing every word with a squeeze.

They stayed like that for a while, Louis's tight grip not loosening and Harry gripping back, just as tightly.

_**Don't speak as loud as my heart** _

Finally, Louis let go and smiled at him.

His friend was back.

Finally, he had Harry ba-

"Louis, I love you."

Harry blurted it out like it was a disease and the second he said it, he cringed back a little, as if he expected to get hit.

_**And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me** _

Louis was shocked. He  _certainly_  didn't expect this.

"Harry....I'm sorry but I have Eleanor and I'm no-"

"I know. I just wanted to tell you," Harry smiled sadly. He knew he'd be rejected. This was just his luck. 

"B-but...um....maybe you could give me some time to think about it?" Louis gave him a small smile, hoping to lighten Harry's spirits a bit. 

"You don't have to lie Louis. I get it," Harry said, his voice cracking. He was trying not to cry. He knew he'd be rejected, but now that it was happening, he wanted nothing more than to shun Louis out of the room and sob by himself. Like before.

"Harry....." Louis tried to reason with him.

"Could you, um, just leave me alone for a while?" Harry's voice was soft and quiet, as he stared at the wall in front of him with empty eyes.

Louis gaped at him.  _No._

He wasn't going to leave him. Not now. He had to sort this out.

"No, Harry. I may not love you in the same way but I do love you, Harry," Louis said, trying not to break down in front of his friend. This wasn't supposed to happen. Harry was supposed to wake up, and everything would be okay. Not  _this._

But, he needed to be strong right now. For Harry.

Harry didn't respond. He just continued to stare at the white wall, eyes unchanged.

They sat in heavy silence, Louis staring at Harry, and Harry staring at the wall.

Finally, after what felt like a century, Louis asked him the question that had been haunting him since Harry woke up.

"Are you going to do it again?"

_**Oh and I rush to the start** _

Harry still didn't respond. He didn't want to answer this question. If he answered it truthfully, they'd send him off to some place and he'd be alone all over again.

"Harry," Louis tried again, a bit more stern this time.

Harry sighed heavily. If he lied, Louis would most likely catch him on it. "Probably." 

"Why?" It came out as a whimper. Louis didn't want to see his friend like this again. So sad, weak, hating himself.

"I'm worthless. Everyone hates me. What's the point in anything anymore?" Harry sighed, bringing his knees to his chest and burying his head in his arms.

"You shouldn't, Harry, it's not-"

"Don't you dare tell me it's not right! It feels right okay?! When I cut, I feel the best I have in a long time. So don't you dare...." Harry interrupted him. He didn't want to do this right now. He just wanted to cut again.

"Harry.....You shouldn't do it," Louis's gaze softened.

"Why not? Give me on good reason," Harry said bitterly. There wasn't anything that could change his mind.

"Because I don't want you to."

Except that.

As much as Harry had hurt because of Louis, he could never hate him.  _Never_. 

"Please?" Louis pleaded helplessly.

Harry finally turned to look at his friend, a bit surprised at the tears coming out of Louis' eyes. He nodded weakly and Louis pulled him back into a tight hug.

"Thank you."

_**Running in circles, chasing our tails** _

-

_**Coming back as we are** _

It's been a year and Harry was finally coming back from rehab. The boys hadn't done much without him but they were backed 100% by the fans. Liam had ended up telling them the truth at the conference and fans gave their full support, sending Harry gifts and 'stay strong' cards.

And finally, Harry was coming back.

He was sitting on the plane, staring out the window. He was a bit nervous to see them again. He'd Skyped with all of them, called them everyday, and kept up with them by looking on Tumblr.

He and Louis built their friendship again and Harry couldn't be happier with it. His feelings for Louis hadn't gone away, of course, but he wasn't going to ruin their friendship. He'd rather have Louis as a friend than not at all.

He hadn't cut in so long and he'd never felt better. His scars were now faded marks. He didn't miss it. He loved his life now. Everything seemed so nice and good he couldn't help but feel content about life.

The plane landed and he grabbed his suitcase and exited, becoming more anxious by the minute.

He got to the waiting area and looked around for the friends that he'd missed so dearly. But he couldn't find them. Had they forgotten he was coming today? He was about to pull put his phone to call Liam when somebody tackled him from behind and jumped onto his back.

"Harry!!" An Irish voice screamed in his ear. Before he could shake Niall off, he was smothered by three other pairs of arms.

"Harry!!" They all hugged him so tightly, Harry could hardly breathe.

"Guys," he strangled out, "I'm glad to see you too, but I'd like my air back."

They chuckled and let go, backing away a bit, but not too far away.

"So, how have you been?" Liam asked, taking his bags.

"Well, better than before," Harry replied smiling slightly. "How about you guys?"

"We've been lazy, to be honest. We've not done much," Zayn laughed.

"You mean you've not done much, Zayn. Don't class us with you," Louis smirked when Zayn gave him a smack on the chest.

Harry laughed at his friend's antics. 

He couldn't believe he was going to kill himself a year ago. He was so glad he didn't. 

"You okay?" Louis asked, staring at him with worried eyes.

Harry looked at him and smiled.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am."

_**I'm going back to the start** _

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not really a happy ending but hey at least hes alive. i have other endings LOL but SHOULD I POST THEM?
> 
> one is where louis loves him back
> 
> and the other is where harry dies and shit happens yeah
> 
> let me know


	3. Alternate Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Louis loves him back one :) Its really the same until the end.

_**RECAP** _

"Harry.....You shouldn't do it," Louis's gaze softened.

"Why not? Give me on good reason," Harry said bitterly. There wasn't anything that could change his mind.

"Because I don't want you to."

Except that.

As much as Harry had hurt because of Louis, he could never hate him.  _Never_. 

"Please?" Louis pleaded helplessly.

Harry finally turned to look at his friend, a bit surprised at the tears coming out of Louis' eyes. He nodded weakly and Louis pulled him back into a tight hug.

"Thank you."

_**Running in circles, chasing our tails** _

-

_**ALTERNATE ENDING START** _

_**Coming back as we are** _

It's been a year and Harry was finally coming back from rehab. The boys hadn't done much without him but they were backed 100% by the fans. Liam had ended up telling them the truth at the conference and fans gave their full support, sending Harry gifts and 'stay strong' cards.

And finally, Harry was coming back.

He was sitting on the plane, staring out the window. He was a bit nervous to see them again. He'd Skyped with all of them, mainly Louis, called them everyday, again, mainly Louis, and kept up with them by gossip.

Eleanor and Louis broke up two months into Harry's rehabilitation. Louis hadn't said anything about it so Harry didn't ask.

He was  _dying_  to know, but he didn't ask.

He hadn't cut in so long and he'd never felt better. He ddin't miss it. He loved his life now. Everything seemed so nice and good he couldn't help but be happy.

The plane landed and he grabbed his suitcase and exited, being more anxious by the minute.

He got to the waiting area and looked around for his friends that he'd missed so dearly. But he couldn't find them. Had they forgotten he was coming today? He was about to pull put his phone to call Liam when somebody tackled him from behind and jumped onto his back.

"Harry!!" An Irish voice screamed in his ear. Before he could shake Niall off, he was smothered by three other pairs of arms.

"Harry!!" They all hugged him so tightly, Harry could hardly breathe.

"Guys," he strangled out, "I'm glad to see you too, but I'd like my air back."

They chuckled and let go, backing away a bit, but not too far away.

"So, how have you been?" Liam asked, taking his bags.

"Great, actually," Harry replied smiling. "How about you guys?"

"Annoyed," Zayn laughed, receiving a smack in the chest from Louis.

"What?" Harry asked confused.

"Well, see, lover boy here hasn't stopped talking about you since you left," Zayn gestured towards a blushing Louis.

"Shut up, Zayn," Louis muttered at him and looked away.

Harry looked at Louis, smirking slightly, and Louis just stared, shyly, at his shoes.

"Well, I'll go put your bags in the car, come on Zayn, Niall," Liam gestured for them to come along, wanting to give Harry and Louis some privacy.

 "What was he talking about, 'lover boy'?" Harry asked mockingly. He was  _really_  hoping it was what he though it was.

"W-well, since you left, I couldn't stop thinking about what you said and, I realized, I, maybe, sort of, feel the same way?" Louis stumbled for words, still staring bashfully at the floor.

Harry felt a million butterflies storm around in his stomach as his heart warmed at Louis' confession. "You 'sort of' feel the same way? Well, that's a let down," Harry teased.

Louis finally looked up and glared at him, playfully. "Shut up and kiss me, you fool."

Harry didn't need to be told twice. He pulled Louis in by the waist and connected their lips into a chaste kiss. The kiss did nothing to calm the butterflies in Harry's stomach, but that was okay. He had Louis now, And he couldn't feel better.

_**I'm going back to the start** _

_**\--** _


	4. Bonus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE HARRY DIES ONE SORRY

-

Harry died.

The minute they walked into that room, they knew.

There was  _no way_  someone could be alive with all of that blood pouring out of their body.

Harry was pale, bloody, blue lipped and  _dead_.

The paramedics had tried to revive him, but their attempts were futile and in vain. 

Louis couldn't bear to watch Harry's limp form pulse every time they shocked him. He shut his eyes tight, trying to block out the image. But it was going to change the fact that Harry was gone.

_Harry was gone._

They'd lost him.

-

The funeral was gloomy and depressing, of course, how else would a funeral be?

Louis couldn't bring himself to say anything in Harry's honor. He was surprised he'd even been invited to attend. It was his fault Harry was gone.

He knew it. This was  _his_  fault. Harry was dead. Because of him.

He stared blankly as they lowered Harry's casket into the ground, Anne's sobs echoing the air.

The skies cried buckets of rain, as if in respect for Harry. The air was cold and empty, chilling Louis to the core.

Louis hadn't cried. He wanted to. He felt sad. Why wouldn't he? His best friend just died, because of him. But he couldn't cry. 

It was just one of those things. It would happen. Sooner or later.

Right?

-

Death is such a simple thing really. One minute a person's there, the next they aren't and in a few months, people forget about them and life goes on.

But not for Louis.

A week.

Harry died a week ago.

The boys had all left to their families, searching for some support, whilst Louis couldn't bring himself to even leave his flat, despite his mother's attempts to reach out to him.

Because what if Harry came back while he was out?

He didn't want that.

Because Harry was coming back. Louis knew it. He would.

Because he wouldn't leave Louis behind.

He  _wouldn't_.

-

Liam called. He'd asked how Louis was, what he'd done during the day.

Louis responded nonchalantly, "I just lay on the couch, watching telly, waiting for Harry to come back."

Liam choked on his water.. Louis sounded  _so sure_  that Harry would come back.

"U-um, yeah. Call me if he turns up alright?" Liam didn't have the heart to break it to him that there was  _no_  way Harry was coming back.

"Sure thing!" Louis replied happily and hung up, resuming his show.

-

This went on for two weeks.

Then two weeks turned to three, three to four, then it became a month.

Nobody had the heart to tell him.

Louis hadn't left the flat in ages, claiming "Harry'll be home soon."

This wasn't his way of coping. This was his way of trying not to break down into a million pieces that he knew he'd never be able to put back together again.

He was scared. Scared of hurting. Of reality.

-

Finally, the boys sat him down for 'the talk.'

They had no idea how to break it to him lightly. But really, there was no way to, was there?

So Zayn decided not to sugarcoat it.

"Harry's dead, Louis."

It was three words. Just three. And they'd turned Louis' whole perspective around.

"W-what're you talking about? He's just out. He'll be home soon," Louis tried to cling to his delusion desperately. But the boys weren't having it.

"He's dead, Louis. We went to the funeral, remember?" Liam rested a hand on his back, as Louis shook his head stubbornly.

"No," he refused to let go.

If he accepted that Harry was dead, that was one more step to him moving on. 

And him moving on meant leaving Harry behind.

And he couldn't do that.

He'd already killed Harry. He couldn't leave him.

Eventually, the boys gave up, claiming to be back tomorrow to try again.

-

There was really nothing important for them to do. The day Harry died was the day One Direction died.

So Louis didn't need to move from his spot on the couch.

But that also meant the boys didn't have anything else to do either. Which meant they went to 'help' Louis again.

But Louis didn't need help. He was perfectly fine.

Once Harry came back, they'd see he was right.

-

A month.

It's been a month and still, Louis was waiting.

Harry would be here soon. He knew it.

His mum had come to try to talk some sense into him but all she'd done was open the soul-shattering void in Louis' heart.

"He's not coming back, Lou. There's no way he can," she had told him in a soothing voice.

But Louis couldn't accept it. 

But he had to.

Because this was reality.

And there was no way he could escape it. No matter how hard he tried.

-

"Hey, Harry. I know I'm probably the last person you wanna see but, I had to do this," Louis paused and took a deep breath.

"I know what I did was  _stupid_  and selfish and I'm so sorry.." His voice cracked and he wiped the tears from his face. "I really wish I could take it all back, but I can't and you're gone and I just..." He sighed.

"I just miss you, Harry."

Louis bent down to set the bouquet of flowers he'd brought in front of Harry's grave before heading out of the gates.

-

That was the only time Louis had gone to see Harry since the funeral. And Louis didn't plan on going again.

It was too painful.

-

He tried to distract himself with different things, but in the end, he always seemed to turn to alcohol.

The numbness he'd felt would take away from the pain and Louis avored every bit of it, hoping it would last.

But it never did. So he'd end up taking more shots and getting wasted, causing one of the boys to have to drag a drunk, sobbing Louis out of the bar.

Every night one of the boys would bring him home and lay him in bed, he'd always mutter one name before falling asleep.

_Harry._

-

Finally, Louis sobered up and decided to end his childishness and  _grow up.,_ as much as the idea scared him.

-

A year passed and Louis made sure  _nobody_  forgot about what happened to Harry. 

Louis started up a center for troubled and/or depressed children called One Direction, in honor of the band.  _The only way is up isn't it?_

It was quite successful considering he was still considered famous, so people thought it was honorable and helped. The boys pitched in as much as they could as well.

He loved helping the kids out of their torment and showing them the joys of life once again.

Some days were worse but it never got too bad because Louis had a mantra to live by.

_It's for Harry._

-


End file.
